Kurt's not Kurt!
by Kalaki
Summary: Sequal to 'Kurt hands'. Jean, Evan and Kitty have hidden Kurt, stolen a holowatch and are taking over his school life. Embarassing Kurt in unspeakable ways as vengance for what he did to them.
1. Kitty

This took me ages, I mean AGES!! Very fun to write though ^_^. Please read the original fic "Kurt hands" if u haven't already because it's very funny. Promise that this one will be just as good!!  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Jean, Evan and Kitty were sitting down in the basement of the mansion. They'd been caught two weeks earlier taping their fingers together in an attempt to understand how Kurt did things in normal life. Everyone had found out and they'd been put on probation, plus they'd all become Kurt's personal slaves. The elf had enjoyed the final part immensely  
  
Now they'd had two weeks of his strange requests (most of them to be done while wearing grass skirts) and were seeking revenge. That's when they'd had a funny idea while playing with his inducer. Anyone could pretend to be Kurt at school, they just had to wear his watch. No one would be able to tell the difference, there was even a voice changer on his watch to add to the effect.  
  
Of course there was one problem, you couldn't have two Kurts walking around at school.  
  
So now they were plotting. Plotting like crazy people.  
  
"Maybe we could drug him during the day" Evan said "And let him be himself in the evenings"  
  
"The first thing he'd do when he woke up would be to go to the professor" Jean sighed  
  
"The professors not here" Kitty pointed out "He's on a business trip"  
  
"He's in Vegas" Evan corrected her "And his business is gambling, where'd you think he got the money to build this pace?"  
  
"Well, then he'd go to Logan" Jean groaned  
  
Everyone gave a mutual shudder at the idea of Logan finding out they'd been drugging their friend.  
  
"How about we just tie him up?" Kitty asked  
  
"He's a teleporter Kitty, duh!" Evan groaned  
  
"Well, then, put him near some really big objects he couldn't port with" Kitty suggested  
  
"Guys! This is insane!! Kurt's our friend! Why would we want to take his life?" Jean asked  
  
"He's been controlling ours for two weeks Jean" Evan pointed out  
  
"Ya, didn't he, like, make you wash everyone's uniforms and then take credit?" Kitty giggled  
  
"And didn't you have to give him half the food in the mansion and take the blame?" Evan asked  
  
Jean paused for a moment  
  
"Let's go get that elf's ass" She growled  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Kurt and Rogue were talking about their latest course papers (which were both unbelievably hard and complex)  
  
"Mines harder than yours" Kurt said  
  
"Is not"  
  
"Is too"  
  
"Is not"  
  
"Is too"  
  
"Is not"  
  
"Is too"  
  
"Kurt?" Rogue interrupted  
  
"Ja?"  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"Already done" He was too hungry to argue today, Ororo was away and Kitty had stepped in at the last minute. As a result Kurt hadn't been able to keep any food down for two days.  
  
"Kurt?" He looked up and saw Evan, Jean and Kitty smiling sweetly at him.  
  
"ja?" Kurt replied lazily  
  
"Would you please come with us?" Kitty asked innocently  
  
"That okay with you?" Kurt turned to his sister  
  
"Sure" she shrugged "We can continue this deeply interesting conversation later"  
  
"So" Kurt groaned as he got up "Where are we going?"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"YOU GUYS ARE SICK!!!" Kurt yelled "SICK YOU HEAR ME!!!"  
  
He was strapped firmly to a column in the basement with lots of belts. Jean Evan and Kitty were sitting about three feet from him playing with his inducer.  
  
"What on Earth are three weirdo's planning to do with that?" Kurt asked angrily  
  
"We're going to pose as you at school" Jean replied  
  
"Why??" Kurt asked  
  
"Because we're curious about what it'll be like" Evan shrugged  
  
"The last time you got curious about what my life is like you taped your fingers together and got attacked by ceribro" he pointed out  
  
"But this time we don't need any tape" Kitty stood up and turned on his watch, she instantly was covered with his holographic image "Ta da!"  
  
"So, we'd better get going or we'll miss Scott's drive pool" Jean sighed and picked up her bag  
  
"Wait a sec! You're not just going to leave me!! Have a heart!! I'll die!!" Kurt screamed  
  
"Look, I can fix this" Evan said and picked up a tennis ball before shoving it in Kurt's mouth.  
  
"Hurruoph!! Mrughuph!" Kurt protested  
  
"We'll be back at three Kurt! I'm being you today! Luv ya!" Kitty waved as him and all three left.  
  
'Doomed' Kurt thought 'I am so doomed'  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"Hey Kurt" Rogue smiled as Kitty slid in next to her, Kitty didn't react "Kurt?"  
  
"Oh Yeah! Me!" Kurt laughed  
  
"Kurt, uhm, has your accent faded very suddenly or is that just me?" Rogue asked  
  
"Um, nien! My accent is still German just like it vas vhen I first arrived!" Kurt said quickly  
  
"Okay, now it sounds too heavy. Are you feeling okay today?"  
  
"I'm fine!!" Kurt replied perkily and crossed his legs in a very...um...feminine way  
  
Rogue and Scott exchanged a glance, a very worried one.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"Kitty," Evan leant very close to Kurt's ear "You're walking like a girl and everyone is looking at you"  
  
Kurt turned around and saw that indeed barrages of bizarre looks were following her.  
  
"Evan! I don't know how to walk like a guy!!" she hissed  
  
"It doesn't matter but for God's sake! Stop wiggling you ass!" Evan replied desperately  
  
"Oh, sorry"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Amanda looked longingly at the boy walking down the corridor towards her. She thought hopefully that maybe she could say hello and he'd say hello back. And after that they'd share lunch, go on a date. Then after a few years they could get married and have kids and they'd grow old together.  
  
Amanda sighed happily but when she opened her eyes her dream boy was gone, in fact, everyone was gone!!  
  
"Oh no!" She gasped "I'm late for class!!"  
  
And with that she randomly pulled a few books from her locker and ran to chemistry.  
  
It's surprising how much can happen from simply saying hello to someone.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_  
  
"Hungry!!" Kurt groaned "Someone feeeeeeed meeeee!!"  
  
No one came though, all the adults were gone and Kurt had no doubt that Logan was spending even more time with Ororo. Leaving no one to save him  
  
"SOMEBODY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Kitty was getting very worried, she was a year above herself (literally) but that wasn't the problem. Years of being a school wiz meant that she wasn't used to Kurt's 'slouch at the back, speak when spoken to' attitude towards class. The teacher looked surprised to say the least at Kurt's sudden interest in the lesson.  
  
It was a habit she couldn't quite seem to kick even though that was exactly what Evan did every time she raised her hand.  
  
"Kurt! Stop it!" Evan hissed, not close enough to use her real name  
  
"Mr Daniels!! If Kurt wants to express his new found interest in learning to the class then I see no reason for you to shush him" the teacher said silkily  
  
"Sorry Miss" Evan hung his head slightly. Only then did Kurt notice the glares from the rest of the class.  
  
'I hope I don't run like a girl' She thought and began to plan a quick escape out of her class when this period was over.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Lunch came surprisingly quickly for her and the three teens met away from the other X-men.  
  
"So how's it been Kitty?" Jean asked  
  
Kurt looked around quickly and turned her holowatch off. Kitty sighed and asked if they'd given her note to the office.  
  
"Yep, you have a very normal but very contagious illness which is going around the mansion" Evan grinned  
  
"Which means that tomorrow, you'll be well but I'll be sick" Jean explained  
  
"Great! This is gonna be soo much fun!" Kitty giggled  
  
"There isn't a single flaw in this plan either!" Evan laughed "It's completely fail-proof"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name-o" Kurt sang quietly to himself in the basement to keep him mind off food. He was soo hungry, it was lunchtime, he didn't need a watch to be told. He imagined eating all the food in that canteen and began to drool.  
  
'No man!' he thought 'You'll go nuts if you think about food!'  
  
"There was a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o..."  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"Yeah, this is great!" Jean giggled  
  
"Even though a rumour's going around the school that Kurt's Gay" Evan groaned  
  
"Ooops! Kurt's not going to like that when he comes back to school" Kitty winced.  
  
"Kitty! There's a teacher coming!" Jean hissed  
  
"So?" she asked  
  
"You're supposed to be sick!!" The other two cried  
  
"Oh yeah!" Kitty grinned and turned her watch back on "This might get a little confusing"  
  
"Well, we know you're not Kurt but you have to remember to act MALE!!" Evan sighed .  
  
Kurt rolled her eyes and suddenly noticed Lance standing under a tree with the rest of the brotherhood. She hadn't seen him all day and began to run towards him  
  
"Hi honey!" She giggled and kissed him on the cheek.  
  
A deadly silence swept over the two groups.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Lance screamed "Gay X- geek!!"  
  
"Gay?" Kurt asked "But I'm..." then she remembered "Oh"  
  
Before she could explain Kurt was being dragged backwards towards a bush.  
  
"Now he's gonna try his luck with Evan!!" Pietro yelled and the brotherhood collapsed with laughter  
  
"You idiot!!" Evan hissed "What were you thinking!?!"  
  
"Look, I just forgot! It's no big deal" Kitty shrugged  
  
"No big deal??? Kurt gonna get teased about this for the rest of his school life!! Nothing could be worse than this!!"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"John Jacob Jinglehimer Prince, his name is my name too. Whenever we go out, the people always shout "There goes John Jacob Jinglehimer Prince!" Lalalalalala! "  
  
Kurt was running out of songs  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Kurt was sitting in history, very bored. She had been looking forward to this lesson because Kurt shared it with the cutest boy in school.  
  
Michael Robson!  
  
But since her accidental kiss with Lance Kurt had decided not to tempt fate and chose not to even look at him.  
  
Kurt suddenly noticed that something was rubbing against her calf. At first she thought it was just her bag but the rubbing wasn't constant and kept moving up her leg.  
  
Kurt looked slowly under her desk and realised that someone was playing footsie with her! She looked up at the person who was doing it.  
  
Michael Robson??  
  
'It's true' she thought 'All cute men are gay!'  
  
Michael winked at her but Kurt looked steadily at the front of the class for the rest of her last period.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"Yummy, Yummy, Yummy I got love in my tummy and I feel like loving you" Kurt whined sadly "Love is such a sweet thing good enough to eat and that's what I'm gonna doooo!"  
  
He had contemplated eating his arm but it was still under all the belts. He'd then thought about eating the belts but they were all covered with (probably poisonous) dyes. Kurt wanted food but he didn't want to die.  
  
And because he didn't know anymore verses to that song he just repeated the first one over and over again.  
  
"Yummy, Yummy, Yummy I got love in my tummy..."  
  
Droooooool!  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
if anyone thinks of anything funny Jean could do as Kurt PLEASE tell me!! I only have one idea!! 


	2. Jean 01

I LOVE everyone who gave me ideas. A couple sparked off things you wouldn't believe!! Thank you thank you thank you!  
  
These people need to be thanked individually for their purely ingenious ideas: Kurt's Girl-don't shoot menchi!! ChibiConfettiQueen -cool ideas promise to use them! Zoken-must use UR idea! ;)  
  
And you guys knew that bathroom scene would come along sooner or later! You just have to wait until the next chapter!!!  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"Um, Hey Kurt" Scott smiled nervously as his friend approached his car.  
  
"Hi Scott" Kurt shrugged and slid in.  
  
"You know, it's all right to have...those feeling's" he said slowly  
  
"What?" Kurt asked  
  
"You know...if you feel...unsure about...yourself" Damnit! Now he was blushing!! "You can always talk to us about it...you don't need to hide it"  
  
Kurt turned to Rogue and she voiced what Scott was thinking very bluntly  
  
"Scott thinks your Gay. He saw you kiss Lance"  
  
"WHAT????" Kurt howled  
  
"Rogue!" Scott cried "You shouldn't try to stereotype it! If Kurt feels...that way about Lance then he should be allowed to..." Scott looked to his right and saw that Jean was killing herself laughing.  
  
"I'm not gay!!" Kurt yelled "I am NOT going out with Lance. He may be a totally cute guy but - damn! I shouldn't have said that"  
  
"Kurt, seriously, what's wrong with you today?" Rogue asked "Did you drink two tons of oestrogen this morning or are you trying to get in touch with your feminine side for that honey in your math class?"  
  
"I Just - Girl? What girl?" Kurt's head snapped up.  
  
"The one you've going mad about for weeks! You've practically bored me and Cyclops to death! Make a move already!!" Rogue cried  
  
Kurt was strangely subdued for the rest of the trip.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"Was EVERYONE going to keep this girl from me??" Kitty cried as she stomped down to the basement  
  
"What's the big deal Kitty?" Evan asked "You're already taken after all"  
  
"But-but why didn't anyone tell me??? Do you think I'm such a monster that I wouldn't feel happy for Kurt?" Kitty asked  
  
"Shhh!" Jean hissed "Do you guys hear something?"  
  
All three of the mutants went very quiet  
  
"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...nobody knows my sorrow" Kurt's tired voice echoed around the underground chambers  
  
"Oh my God!!" Jean gasped when they saw him.  
  
"Where...have you...BEEN?!?!?!" Kurt gasped "I had no breakfast! No Lunch! I. Am. STARVING!!"  
  
"Poor Kurt" Kitty said sadly "But you can't tell anyone what we're doing or you stay here"  
  
"At this point, I would do anything for the chance to eat. Anything at all" Kurt sighed and the others began to unstrap him.  
  
"Please don't do that again" Kurt half sobbed "I'll do anything you want just don't leave me down here again!"  
  
The others exchanged glances  
  
"You could pretend to be Jean tomorrow when she's pretending to be you" Evan said slowly "Then we wouldn't have to forge anymore sick notes"  
  
"I don't care!" Kurt yelled "Just let me get to some food!"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"So, Kurt...who's this girl in your math class?" Kitty asked watching Kurt inhale anything edible he could find.  
  
This comment made Kurt choke quite violently  
  
"How do you know about Amanda?" He asked, paling  
  
"Just something Scott said when I was you" Kitty shrugged  
  
"She's just a girl I like, please don't hurt me!" Kurt shielded himself with a pillow  
  
"Why does everyone think I'll hurt you for having a crush on someone???" Kitty cried  
  
"No reason" Kurt said carefully then paled again "You didn't talk to her did you??"  
  
"No Kurt and don't worry, I haven't messed up your chances with her...girls like a challenge"  
  
"What on Earth's that supposed to mean?" Kurt asked suspiciously  
  
"Nothing!" Kitty chirruped and left quickly  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
*Next day*  
  
"Okay, today we're going to start doing preparation after what happened yesterday" Evan sighed  
  
"Yesterday? What happened yesterday?" Kurt asked worriedly  
  
"Nothing!" Everyone said quickly  
  
"Put your inducers on" Kitty ordered  
  
Kurt and Jean did as they were told, they were both sitting on the couch and what happened was very weird.  
  
All of a sudden Kurt was sitting with his legs crossed but Jean was slouching with her legs wide apart.  
  
"Okay, this is scary" Kitty said simply  
  
"Kurt, you need to try to change you're accent" Evan sighed  
  
"What? You mean, like, totally talk, like, American?" Jean said in a false perky voice.  
  
Kurt glared at her "Don't mess with my voice like that" he warned  
  
"What about mine! You guys are making me sound like a German schizophrenic!!" Jean cried  
  
"People! People! Let's be calm here!" Evan cried "Look Jean...d'uhm...Kurt...WHATEVER!! You are going to have to start asking like the opposite sex, got it?"  
  
"So," Jean said slowly "I'm going to have to start acting like a girl?" She flicked her hair back "Well that's gonna be weird"  
  
"What about me" Kurt sighed "Acting like a guy? I can't think of anything worse!"  
  
"Well, you did CHOOSE to do this!" Jean sighed  
  
"Yeah, but I only did it to annoy you" Kurt said teasingly and stuck his tongue out at her  
  
"Oh my God!! It's like you're really Kurt!!" Kitty giggled, Earning glares from both teens.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"Hey Kitty" Scott smiled as the four approached "Didn't see you at school yesterday"  
  
"Umm, I was around, I just stayed inside. I think I'm getting sunstroke" She said quickly ignoring Jean's snort beside her.  
  
Kurt smiled, fluttering his eye lashes a bit too much and began to move to the passenger seat.  
  
"Uh Kurt?" Scott said slowly "What are you doing?"  
  
"What? I alwa-oh" Kurt closed the door and moved to the back. Jean smiled smugly and sat next to their leader.  
  
"So, how you feeling today Kurt?" Rogue asked  
  
"I'm fine" Jean smiled  
  
"Ah didn't ask you!" Rogue said rudely  
  
"Oh yeah, sorry" at least she could blush like a girl.  
  
"I'm okay I guess" Kurt shrugged  
  
"No weird sexual tendencies today?" Rogue smirked. Jean started so hard in the front seat she hit her knee on the underside of the dashboard. She then glared harshly at Kitty.  
  
"Today you're acting weird, Jean" Scott said carefully  
  
"Yeah Jean, cut it out" Kurt said playfully  
  
'Today's going to be a long day' three people thought at once.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Jean was walking along by himself, unable to face Scott knowing full well who his best friend had a crush on. He shuddered at the thought of Scott flirting with him.  
  
"Jean!" He turned to see his worst nightmare approaching him  
  
Duncan Matthews. His face puckered up expecting a big 'Hello' Kiss.  
  
'Don't scream, don't scream, this is "Your" boyfriend after all' he thought slowly  
  
"Hey Jean" Duncan said casually when he realised that a kiss was out of the question "How ya doin' baby?"  
  
'Jean puts up with this????' Kurt thought under his hologram.  
  
"Doing good, thank you" Jean said twisting his face into what he hoped was a decent 'girlfriend-ish' smile  
  
"Come on, I'll walk you to math" Duncan said wondering what was wrong with his girl today.  
  
"Oh thanks but I- math??? We've got MATH first period!!???" Jean cried visibly paling before running off down a corridor.  
  
"What's up with her today?" One of Duncan's friends asked  
  
"Not a clue, usually she's all over me" Duncan shrugged  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Jean reached his usual class in time to see his real self enter just a short distance away from Amanda.  
  
'She's gonna screw up' he thought sadly 'Amanda will never want to be seen with me again!!'  
  
"Oh! Hi Jean!" One of Jean's soccer buddies saw him  
  
"Oh! Hi!" Jean smiled back  
  
"You looking at that guy you live with?" she asked pointing at himself  
  
"NO!!" he cried  
  
"Yeah, I guess you'd know though huh?" the girl smiled naughtily  
  
"Know what?" Jean asked suspiciously  
  
"That he's a European transvestite. I heard that he forgot to take his testosterone shots so he slowly changing back into a girl" the blond looked at her watch "Oh! I'm late for class, see you at practise!"  
  
Jean waited for the girl to be out of site before his face contorted into several layers of anger.  
  
"Kitty" he hissed  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Kitty was sitting in her usual seat, glad to be herself again.  
  
Then she looked out the window and saw Jean's head glaring at her.  
  
'is that the real Jean or Kurt?' she wondered  
  
Jean made a threatening gesture at her  
  
'Kurt, and he knows what I've done to his rep' she realised suddenly 'I am so dead'  
  
She looked back but Jean was gone. This was not a good thing, it just meant that he was using strategy. Sure enough, a moment later Jean sauntered into Kitty's class.  
  
"Kitty's just received a phone call from home that she really needs to take" the 16 year old said in a perky female voice.  
  
"Are you sure?" Kitty squeaked as the teacher turned to her  
  
"Yes, very very sure" Jean replied smoothly  
  
"Okay" Kitty said sullenly and picked up her things. She walked out ahead of Jean and the second the door was closed broke into a run.  
  
"KITTY!!!" She heard Jean's voice yell but ran as if her life depending on it (and considering the rumours that had been going around it probably did)  
  
Outside Kitty thought she had a chance but *bamf* and she was being pinned down by Jean.  
  
"What the HECK did you do as me yesterday??" he yelled  
  
"I didn't mean to Kurt!" Kitty pleaded with him "I just kept forgetting I was you and acted like...myself"  
  
Jean looked up as if imagining a Kurt with Kitty's brain.  
  
"Awww Hell!" he groaned "My life is over!"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Amanda stared at the boy who she thought was Kurt Wagner. She wondered if those awful rumours were true about him. She'd never seen anything before that suggested he was/used to be a woman. Besides, she fancied him!! It would be unbelievably cruel that the guy she had a crush on would actually be a girl.  
  
'Would that make me a lesbian?' she wondered  
  
She looked at the back of his head for a while longer until the lesson was over. It was the fifth time Amanda had spent a whole period staring at his head. It'd be a miracle if she passed the exams.  
  
I need to talk to someone about this' she decided 'But who's advice should I take?'  
  
It'd have to be a girl who knew him, that way Amanda would be able to find out if the rumours were true. They also might be able to say if Kurt ever mentioned her. She smiled at the idea of Kurt swooning over her at home.  
  
'But who?' Amanda reviewed the options. Rogue was out instantly, Amanda didn't know her well enough. The newer additions to the institute were all a little hyper active and Amanda wanted this to be dealt with delicately.  
  
That just left Jean and Kitty, Amanda had no idea how important her decision between the two would be.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Hmmm, which one would be funnier??? Again, keep those idea's coming!! I love them all!! 


	3. Jean 02

Some of your reviews are so funny!! Keep them coming Guys!! I do not own the X-men bla bla bla  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Lunch had come and so far Jean/Kurt's day had gone pretty much without incident. Obviously he was going to stir fry Kitty when he got home and possibly Jean too if he felt like it.  
  
He sat down with his tray and tried to eat like Jean usually did (painfully slowly) Kurt then sat down next to him, she seemed to be trying to stuff her face.  
  
"Had a good day so far?" he asked  
  
"Well, everyone keeps calling me Frank" she said slowly  
  
"As in-?? Oh Jeeze, have you ever seen the rocky horror show?" Jean groaned  
  
"No, why?" Kurt asked innocently  
  
"Frank is a Transylvanian transvestite" Jean groaned  
  
Kurt winced "Yep, Kitty did a pretty good job screwing your life up huh?"  
  
"Speaking of which, what exactly have you been doing as me?"  
  
"Nothing much" Kurt shrugged "Evan's been in all my lessons so far today and he stops me when I'm acting a bit too...girly"  
  
"Good old Evan" Jean sighed "And you'd better not kiss Duncan in front of everyone or I will kill you"  
  
"You know about Lance?" Kurt couldn't help but giggle.  
  
"Please don't giggle like that Jean" Jean sighed  
  
"You're Jean, I'm Kurt" Kurt pointed out  
  
"Whatever" Jean sighed  
  
"Um, hey guys" Scott smiled as he approached "Hey Kurt, can I have a word?"  
  
There was silence for a moment until Jean kicked Kurt under the table  
  
"Oh me!" Kurt laughed as she got up "Sure Scott"  
  
Jean rolled his eyes and continued eating as Rogue and Evan joined him.  
  
"Hi Jean" Rogue smiled "Where's Scott"  
  
"Went to talk with Kurt" Jean shrugged  
  
"Man! They've been doing that every week now! Do you think they're gay or something?? What do they talk about?" Evan cried  
  
Jean opened his mouth to tell them what he and Scott talked about when he suddenly realised who Scott was about to talk to!  
  
"I gotta go!" he apologised  
  
"You sure? There's chocolate pudding today" Evan said tweaking at his Achilles heel  
  
"Really? Well,,,I guess I can wait for ONE chocolate pudding" Jean smiled  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Kitty wa walking to lunch when someone grabbed her arm.  
  
"For the last time Kurt!" she sighed but realised that it was Amanda who was clinging onto her arm. "Oh" she said simply  
  
"Um, hi Kitty! You live with Kurt right?" the girl asked blushing three different shades of red  
  
"Yeeeeees?" Kitty answered slowly already knowing where this was going  
  
"Has he, um ever mentioned me?" Amanda asked  
  
"Well, he mentioned you yesterday" Kitty relented  
  
"Really??" Amanda smiled insanely  
  
"Yeah" Kitty said in a bored tone but suddenly a thought came into her head. A thought that reminded her about who Kurt was for the next week or so. A very evil plan formed inside Kitty's head and she put her arm around the clueless girl "In fact I think he really likes you but you gotta' strike while the iron is hot so..."  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Kurt and Scott walked to a quiet spot and Scott turned to who he thought was his best friend.  
  
"Okay, how am I doing?" he asked  
  
"Huh?" Kurt replied  
  
"I'm still too weak aren't I? Damnit! She's never going to notice me! I should have given up when she got that dumb boyfriend but I just CAN'T!!" Scott punched a tree in frustration  
  
"Who are we talking about here?" Kurt asked  
  
"As if you don't know man!" Scott cried "You're the one who kept on telling me 'Don't give up on her' 'Just keep on trying' and all that"  
  
"WHO??" Kurt yelled  
  
"JEAN!!" Scott yelled right back "You know! As in the love or my life Jean Grey? The one I want to date, the girl who makes my legs go wobbly every time I sit next to her in the car!?" Scott stopped his rant for a minute "Hey man? Are you okay?"  
  
Kurt was standing there with a look of pure shock on her face.  
  
"You, like, m-Jean?" Kurt asked  
  
"Ya dude! I've only been telling you for the last few months!" Scott sighed "What is going on with you this week??"  
  
"I-I'm sorry Scott, I'm not really myself today" Kurt shook her head  
  
"So anyway, I was planning to just go up to her today and tell her how I feel. Hows that?" Scott asked  
  
"NO!" Kurt cried  
  
"What?" Scott looked confused "But you've been telling me to go for it. You said it was time I took the first step, you said-!"  
  
"I don't care what I said!" Kurt yelled "Look, I agree with you telling her but wait until tonight!!"  
  
"What? Why?" Scott asked  
  
"Look hun-dude!" Kurt corrected herself just in time. Scott had a crush on her!!!!! "Tell her tonight so that you can make a big deal of it! You know, take her out or get her flowers or something! That way she'll know you mean it"  
  
'Wow' she thought 'I really do sound like Kurt'  
  
Scott nodded as if agreeing with her. "That's a good idea, man what would I do without you!" And before Kurt could stop him she was pulled into a big bear hug.  
  
'Damn he smells good' she thought as he pulled away.  
  
"So I've got to wait huh?" Scott repeated himself "That might be difficult, I've had these feelings for so long I think I may explode at any moment" and he ran off.  
  
Kurt waited until he was far enough away before bouncing up and down, squealing like the girl she was.  
  
"He loves me! He loves me!" she giggled  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Jean felt very relieved when Scott sat back down, they'd only been gone 5 minutes. Maybe Scott had wanted to ask him whether he had any new pranks for Duncan today. He continued to comfort himself like this.  
  
Scott smiled at him and automatically Jean grinned back.  
  
'Does Jean grin?' he wondered 'Damnit! She doesn't!! Oh well, Mmmm chocolate pudding!'  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"Kurt likes that?" Amanda asked nervously  
  
"Loves it" Kitty smiled slowly "It's a European thing"  
  
"Oh" Amanda looked down "But where would I get one?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sure Tabitha would know where to get a few, she's that kinda girl" Kitty said kindly 'Have I gone to far?' she thought  
  
"Tabitha?" Amanda had never heard of her  
  
"She goes to the Brother hood boarding house" Kitty explained  
  
"And you're sure Kurt will notice me more if I...?" Amanda trailed off  
  
"I'm certain of it, after tomorrow he won't be able to keep his hands off you!" Kitty grinned "Now I need to tell you some choice phrases that you simply HAVE to use on him!"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
After lunch Jean was walking along the corridor. He was trying to guess the real Jean's locker combination and was swearing in German under his breath when something very bad happened.  
  
First the voice changer slipped his voice up three octaves so that he sounded like a helium addict. Then it began switching back and forth from Jean to the helium voice. The watch on his wrist began to spark ever so slightly. Then something awful happened.  
  
The voice changer cut out. Leaving a girl with a boys voice.  
  
"Crap" Jean hissed with Kurt's voice and knew he'd have to get out of school as soon as possible.  
  
"Jean!" he spun around and saw Scott running towards him.  
  
"Crap!!" he hissed again and deliberately knocked his watch against the lockers, a few more sparks were emitted but when he hummed to himself it was definitely Jean's voice he heard.  
  
"Hi Scott!" he trilled  
  
"Hey, you still have my English book" his friend smiled dozily  
  
"Oh ya, it's- um- I've kind of forgotten my locker number" Jean smiled  
  
"41,34,50" Scott shrugged (We don't have locker combinations in England so I have no idea if it's possible to have that locker combination! Sorry!)  
  
"Oh! Thank you" Jean smiled and opened Jean's locker  
  
"You are so beautiful" Scott breathed  
  
"What?" 'I hope I didn't hear that right' he thought  
  
"Nothing" Scott shut his mouth.  
  
"Here's your book" Jean handed it to him, Scott's fingers resting on his for far too long  
  
"Jean!" Scott gasped and thrust his lips onto his.  
  
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
Scott had backed him up against the locker but the boys brain was trying to get away. Jean was sure he could see Kitty and Evan walk around the corner. And what was the wet thing that just went in his mouth?  
  
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
Kurt's mind was screaming for relief! He was kissing his best friend!! His MALE Best friend!!  
  
'OH LORD! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?!?!"  
  
Finally Scott pulled back and looked down at who he thought was his heart's desire  
  
"I gotta go" Jean gasped and ran off.  
  
Scott nodded to himself smugly "Oh yeah, she is so mine"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Pietro was sitting in the boy's bathroom. He was missing a Maths test and wasn't a bit worried about his grades. Soon his dad would come anyway and then he'd never have to bother with school again.  
  
The door was suddenly thrown open and a red blur passed him before she ran into a cubicle.  
  
"Jean?" he asked himself "What are you doing in the boys bathroom???"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
I'll update soon (maybe) ^_^ try guessing what Amanda's gonna do! 


	4. Jean the last piece

Hey guys, I haven't updated in a while but I've been busy with my Kurtism website. I thought that my religion shut be put on the web!!  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Pietro was still standing by the sink as he listened to the girl who had obviously taken a wrong turn. From the sound of it she was very close to throwing up. Then as he listened, he heard her voice deepen and deepen until he recognised the voice of Kurt Wagner in the next stall.  
  
"Oh Crap" The voice moaned  
  
"Mystique?? What the hell are you doing here??" Pietro asked  
  
"Oh Crap!" The voice swore  
  
"Mystique?" Pietro asked  
  
"Don't tell anyone I'm here you little squirt" Kurt said very seriously  
  
"It is you!!" Pietro cried joyfully  
  
Kurt resisted the urge to pummel Quicksilver for suggesting that he was anything like his mother. But then he had a very cool idea  
  
"Yes, Pietro it is I. I am hear to give you a message from Magneto" he said dramatically  
  
"Cool! I knew dad hadn't forgotton me!" Pietro cried, unaware that Kurt was making a 'Loser' sign on his forehead in the cubical.  
  
"Yes, Pietro, Magneto want you to steal all the cookies in the cafeteria" Kurt tried very hard not to laugh  
  
"Huh? Why?"  
  
"So that I can poison all the non-mutants! We will then go through all the files in the school and expel the X-men" Kurt truly hoped that Pietro was stupid enough to go through with this  
  
"Great plan mystique!!" Pietro cried "But when I get the cookies, where do I leave them?"  
  
"Um, outside, under the large tree in the dark corner" Kurt said  
  
"I'm already gone!" and Pietro disappeared, leaving Kurt to worry about the voice modifier on his image inducer  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"So...you-you...Kissed Jean??" Kurt asked Scott. Scott noticed that his friend was getting strangely tearful  
  
"Yeah, and it was great...although," Scott looked around "Between you and me, I think Jean needs a shave"  
  
'I must not cry, I must not cry' Jean thought under the hologram  
  
"And tonight I'll do all the things you suggested" Scott smiled  
  
"NOOOO!!! LOVE MEEEEEEEE!!!" Kurt screamed and threw her arms around Scott.  
  
A group of girls were walking past and noticed this.  
  
"Gay" they agreed  
  
"Kurt! What the hell are you doing??" Scott asked  
  
"I love you-ou-ou!!" Kurt sobbed onto his shoulder  
  
"What??????" Scott stood very, very still and hoped that this was a big joke on Kurt's part  
  
"I thought you loved me-e-e!" Kurt continued crying  
  
"Kurt, I'm - I'm very sorry but if you don't get your act together you are not going to ever stop these rumours that you're gay!" Scott hissed, then paled very slowly "You're...um...not REALLY attracted to me are you??" he squeaked  
  
"Huh?" Kurt looked up and then realised what she was doing "Ohmagosh! I am so sorry Scott! I'll talk to you later bye!"  
  
And then she ran off.  
  
"Kurt's gonna kill me!" she cried  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Kurt was still hiding out in the men's bathroom. No matter how hard he hit it his voice modifier wouldn't come back on. He was going to have to fake a sore throat or pretend that he'd lost his voice. It did seem a little strange though that Jean could be normal all day and then suddenly loose her voice. Kurt could port home but he felt the need to stick around and make sure that Jean didn't mess up his life too much.  
  
So with his mouth firmly shut, Jean left the boys bathroom  
  
Unfortunatly lost of Jean's friend were standing outside  
  
"Jean??" they exclaimed "What on Earth were you doing in the boys bathroom?"  
  
Jean's eyes bulged but he couldn't say anything  
  
"Jean? Hello!! We're talking to you!" A blond said to him  
  
Jean still stood, perfectly silent  
  
"So what, you're now ignoring us??" One of the girls cried angrily. Jean shook his head in terror  
  
"So tell us! What were you doing in the guys bathroom?"  
  
Jean still could say nothing  
  
"Let's go" another girl said nastily "If she won't talk to us we won't talk to her!"  
  
And they all flounced off  
  
"Great" Kurt's voice sighed "Jean's gonna kill me"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Scott sat in his lesson not really paying any attention at all to his teacher. He had too much to think about. He loved Jean, that he knew for sure but Kurt?? Kurt had a crush on him?? It just didn't seem to fit. Kurt was always such a ladies Man, and he loved it. Then again, Kurt hadn't had a lot of dates and he'd slowly stopped flirting with everyone (Except Kitty, and that would never stop)  
  
Could it be that his friend, who he thought of as a little brother, could be ATTRACTED to him?? Of course Scott couldn't really blame him, but still! The very idea of it made Scott break out in a cold sweat.  
  
Now Scott wasn't a homophobe but he'd shared way too much with his German friend for him to be comfortable with the idea that Kurt could want him. It just seemed...wrong.  
  
The problem was that Scott knew how sensitive Kurt was and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt him. He'd have to think of a way to let his friend down very slowly without hurting him but he was planning to shower Jean with his love tonight. How would he be able to do them both together??  
  
Suddenly! Inspirations!! Scott knew exactly what to do, and he even knew how he was going to pull it off! He'd have to time it right but Scott knew he'd be able to do this!! Absolutely nothing would go wrong tonight!  
  
Except that the real Kurt had no idea what was going on  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
It was Kurt's last period and she was glad that when she got home she'd be a girl once more. Besides, she couldn't wait until Scott showered her with devotion, even if he had given the first sample to his best friend (Jean honestly didn't think that she'd ever be able to forget that).  
  
She relaxed in Kurt's lessons, she'd done them all before anyway. Kurt's social life may have been going down the drain but his academic one had never been better. Of course that would be little consolation when he discovered what Scott had planned for him.  
  
_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Jean, blissfully unaware, nearly fainted with relief when he saw Kitty walking towards him.  
  
"Kitty!" Jean hissed with Kurt's voice  
  
"Kurt?? I mean, Jean?? Oh whatever! What's happened to the voice modifier??" Kitty gasped  
  
"It's broken!!" Kurt's voice said desperately  
  
"Crap" Kitty squeaked  
  
"Ja, crap" Kurt's voice in Jean's body agreed  
  
"This is so totally bizarre" Kitty gasped wild eyed  
  
"You're telling me" Kurt sighed  
  
"Okay, don't talk for a bit" Kitty said simply "Although I know how hard that would be for you"  
  
Jean glared at her for a long time. But when he opened his mouth to argue-  
  
"ah! Ah! No talking!" Kitty teased him, "I'm going to enjoy this!!"  
  
'Lord? Why do you make me suffer so?' Kurt sobbed inside his head  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
I am so pissed at the mo!! It's damn lucky I always read my fics after I've uploaded them! The first THREE PAGES of the last chapter were cut off by Fan fiction. Net!! What I thought was unbelievable was that I got praising for it!! It was awful and made zero sense! Thank you to all the people who lied and said it was great though. 


	5. back to normal LOL

If you haven't re-read the last chapter you have to do it now! FF.N chopped off the first three pages and I have FINALLY added them back on!  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
The Day was finally over but Kurt wouldn't be able to switch back to herself until she got home. Jean was looking equally uncomfortable in the front seat. Possibly because every time he stopped at the lights Scott put his hand on his thigh. It was all she could do not to start screaming. Kitty put a hand on her shoulder though, just in case she wanted to attack him.  
  
Evan, on the other hand, laughed like a maniac every time Scott tried to feel Jean (Kurt) up. Scott obviously just thought he was teasing him about how he'd FINALLY admitted his feeling towards Jean. At least it made him keep his hands to himself.  
  
The mansion was the beacon of hope, and all of the X-men who knew what was going on couldn't wait to go home. Jean's tail was getting cramped from hiding it for so long, Kurt was tired and wanted a long, calming bath. Neither of there days had been what they expected.  
  
They pulled into the garage and everyone got out. Scott grinned at Jean who could only grimace back.  
  
Kurt was getting herself out when Scott leant back in his seat  
  
"Hey man, can I talk to you for a moment?"  
  
Jean and Kurt exchanged a look, Jean shrugged in a very unfeminine way and ran off. Leaving Kurt alone with the boy of her dreams.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"I'M FREEEEEE!!!" Jean screamed the moment Rogue had gone to her room, throwing his watch off. Becoming Kurt Wagner once more. "I'm MALE!!"  
  
Kitty laughed but turned a little serious "We should probably stop this, Kurt's rep's getting worse and worse. We're essentially ruining his life!"  
  
Kurt looked like he could kiss her at that moment  
  
"No way man!" Evan cried "I haven't had my turn yet!"  
  
"Evan! You're a guy! What interest could a male life have to you??" Kurt cried  
  
"You know that chick I'm crushed out on" evan rolled his eyes "I'll just suggest myself to her"  
  
"Nothing else?" Kurt growled  
  
"Hey man, I don't have a boyfriend! What can I do to your rep? Act overly macho?" Evan argued  
  
Kurt relented, anyway, his life couldn't get any worse!  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Kurt and Scott were making out in the back of his car. Full frontal, steamy, making out.  
  
How this had happened Scott didn't have a clue. But oddly it didn't feel like Kurt had any facial hair at all!! Kurt also didn't have any problems with doing tongues on another boy. Perhaps they were just more open about this kind of this in Germany.  
  
'Am I gay now?' Scott wondered 'Ah who cares!? My best friend's the best kisser ever!'  
  
Kurt (Jean) Was obviously aware of what she was doing but was too desperate to care. She'd had a crush on Scott since they'd met and now, FINALLY she could vent all the sexual tension she'd been building up. Sure Scott thought she was a 16 year old, Male, German student but she could live with that! She'd make up for it tonight when she got her 'surprise' dinner.  
  
Scott yanked backwards, panting.  
  
"Woah Kurt!" he gasped "I didn't plan for this!"  
  
"Oh?" Kurt grinned (A little bit annoyed at being referred to as Kurt)  
  
"Yeah, I certainly didn't plan to be going along with it!" Scott laughed  
  
Kurt paled "Huh?" she asked  
  
"Kurt, part of me has always liked you, you're the only other X-man who can understand what it's like to be different other than just having powers"  
  
Kurt did NOT like where this conversation was going  
  
"And when I kissed Jean I felt nothing at all" Scott sighed "Perhaps I've fawned over her for so long that I've expected too much. But Kurt, Your different"  
  
'This is not happening THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!' jean thought to herself, what on Earth had she DONE???  
  
"I guess I'll have to tell Jean that...she's not the one" Scott smiled serenely at her  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Kurt's ears pricked up  
  
"Did you guys hear something?" he asked  
  
"No" Evan shrugged  
  
"It sounded like a scream" Kurt said slowly  
  
"You must have imagined it" Kitty shrugged  
  
"hmmm" Kurt thought for a moment but let it go "Oh Jeeze, I'd better go. I'm supposed to be meeting...someone"  
  
"Who?" Evan asked  
  
"Pietro" Kurt said simply  
  
"WHAT???" Kitty and Evan cried  
  
"It's just business" Kurt grinned  
  
"What Business?? Kurt?? What's going on??!" Kitty cried but Kurt had already teleported away  
  
"How rude!" Evan joked, but he was also worried about what kind of 'business' Kurt was getting himself into. Especially with the son of Magneto.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Pietro was pacing, he was pacing so much and so quickly that he had now worn himself a foot into the ground.  
  
"Quicksilver" Kurt stepped out of the bushes  
  
"Hey freak! What do you want??" Pietro growled  
  
"You fool! It is I!! MYSTIQUE!" The boy growled dramatically  
  
"Mystique!" Pietro gasped and bowed his head in shame  
  
"Do you have the cookies?" Kurt asked  
  
"Yes, over there!" Pietro indicated to the biggest pile of cookies Kurt had ever seen before in his life  
  
"Soo...much...sugar!" He drooled quietly  
  
"Huh?" Pietro asked  
  
"Nothing!" Kurt snapped  
  
"Yes mystique" Pietro said obediently  
  
'I could get used to this' Kurt thought to himself wickedly  
  
"Anything else I can get you?" Pietro asked  
  
"No, leave me!" Kurt ordered  
  
Pietro was gone before Kurt had even finished  
  
"Hmmm" Kurt said to himself looking at the mountain of Chocolate in front of him "I may actually need two teleports to get all this stuff to the mansion!" He giggled  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"Has anyone seen Kurt?" Scott asked  
  
"No, not since he was with you in the car" Rogue replied not looking up from her book  
  
"He left me a while ago, said something about homework. I think something's bugging him" Scott sighed, only then did he notice Jean crying quietly into her meal "Are you okay Jean? You look down"  
  
"I'm fine!" Jean snapped and used her powers of influence to make Scott believe her  
  
"Okay" Scott grinned "I'm going to go find Kurt, I've already asked Kitty to help me"  
  
"SCOTT!" All three looked up and saw Kitty in the door way "You have GOT to see this!!"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
They followed Kitty down to the basement where they found Kurt, surrounded by a now severely reduced mountain of cookies. Three empty cartons of milk were on the floor and the fourth was slowly dribbling down Kurt's front as he snored quietly.  
  
"How much has he eaten??!!" Jean gasped  
  
"Where'd he get all this!?!?" Scott wondered  
  
"He's going to be in a lot of pain when he wakes up" Kitty shook her head  
  
"From the crumbs it looks like he's eaten his own weight in sugar!" Rogue smirked  
  
"I'll get the indigestion tablets; the extra strong ones" Jean left quickly  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Scott's gay!! And Amanda's surprise is still to come! And Jeans for that matter! A LOT'S gonna happen on Evan's day!! Lol! 


End file.
